What do you do when your teen pushes you away?
Listen to today’s episode or read the post below to learn about connection in your parent-teen relationship.
Also receive 7 tips on how to build strong bonds with your teen even when they seem to be pushing you away.
It’s said that it’s normal for teens to push their parents away, that it’s part of their need for independence.
But for us, parents, being rejected by our teens, hurts.
As a mom myself, I don’t like it.
As a grown up daughter, I don’t like it.
Looking back on my own teen years, I used to do this a lot, pushing my parents away. Especially when I was 14 or 15 years old, my mom would go out of her way, she’d try to start conversations, she’d ask questions, but I’d just go to my room or put my head in a book.
Now I’ve become a mom, and my kids are teens. They sometimes push me away, and I don’t like it.
So, I’ve become curious about this behaviour.
What is really going on? Is this a curse of the teen years? Does it happen in every family? Are we destined as humans, are our teens destined to go through this phase? Or is there a way around this?
Of course, there is.
Let’s start by understanding what is actually happening beneath the surface.
Teens are going through many changes. And this makes them feel unsafe. They’re afraid of change.
They’re also afraid of being judged or rejected.
Their fear puts them on the defensive, which shows up as them pushing us away.
This defensiveness has an emotional component which has started forming early on, around 7 years old, that age at which is said that kids loose their innocence.
And now, during the teen years, the emotional defensiveness is taking on another layer, the mental or intellectual defences. The mind starts making stories and beliefs around the fear and the insecurities.
And what happens is that the emotional and mental defences loop together, reinforcing each other, causing the defensive behaviour to go on and on.
Please know that this defensive loop is normal. It’s part of growing up. Even if you have the most loving environment in your home, your teen will still experience this defensive loop in some way.
It’s part of the human hardwiring which is essential for our individuation as humans, for our survival. If we didn’t have this, we wouldn’t have survived so far over the past few thousands years on this planet.
Before I go into tips on how we as parents can do when the defensiveness loop is playing out, I want to share a little bit about my personal insights around my teen years and how this defensive loop played out personally for me.
Looking back, I can see how my emotional defences when I was a teen used to be closing my heart and building high walls around it so that others stay out, so that I don’t have to feel the feelings. When I push others away, I reject them before they have a chance to reject me, I keep myself safe from hurt.
Also, my mental defences were that I used to judge, and criticise, and find fault in everything, in both others and in myself.
And this emotional and mental loop would spiral me into isolation and distraction and escapism. My escapism was overstudying, overachieving at school, or losing myself in books, being busy all the time. That followed me into adulthood, as a high achieving woman juggling many things, until I experienced burnt out.
At that time, during my teen years, I didn’t have enough self-awareness, I didn’t have understanding of these defensive loops.
I was going through the rough teen changes, including puberty and high school stress. There were also other challenging circumstances including death of a loved one in the family, also the political unrest in my country and the social/economic implications. There were lots of factors that added up, making it hard for me to break the defensive loop. I see how that loop couldn’t have gotten dissolved during my teen years.
Having gone through this and now after doing a lot of inner work, I’ve understood and made peace with my inner teenage self.
That’s why I want to share what I learned. That’s why I work with teens and parents.
The teen years are really an initiation. Let’s help our teens face this initiation now in the teen years so that they can enjoy their life later. Let’s help them make the most of their youth instead of wasting it on being defensive.
And let’s admit that teens these days have way too many distractions, social media, gaming, even school, and the pressure to choose a career pathway before they turn 18. That’s stressful. Let’s do whatever we can as parents to help our teens.
I also want to mention that the defensive loops can play out in different ways. It all depends on the uniqueness of your teen. Every person is different.
It also depends on your uniqueness as a parent and your triggers and your ability to hold space for both your teen and yourself. It’s really about the both of you, about your unique parent-teen relationship.
Also, we as adults, we’re also faced with so much distractions. It can get overwhelming when we’ve not been focusing on our relationship with our teens and suddenly we want change to happen, but we don’t know where to start. A part of us is afraid that oh no what if it’s too late, or we’ve left it for too long.
It’s never too late.
And if we’re overwhelmed, why not ask and receive genuine support?
If you’d like to explore this further with me, I’m currently offering a course and coaching container around this subject. Check it out at Parent-Teen Soul Connection.
Here are some tips on how we as parents can build strong bonds with our teens even when they seem to be pushing us away:
1. Keep your heart open. Rise above your triggers. Stay centred and calm. You’re the lighthouse
2. Set your intentions to keep the connection. Don’t underestimate how powerful intentions can be. Be deliberate. Make effort, make time, spend special time with your teen. Don’t let yourself be distracted by the drift of life.
3. When communicating with your teen, Practise actively listening. Really listen to what they have today. Don’t get stuck in your agenda. Don’t interrupt them while they are talking.
4. Mind your language. Don’t use shaming or blaming. Treat your teen with respect. Also celebrate them when they do talk.
5. Let them know that you love them. Figure out their love language, how they like to be loved. Is it hugs, is it words of appreciation, is it acts of service?
You can also communicate through your energy, without talking, without physical touch. When you radiate love, your teens can pick it up.
Maybe it was easier when they were younger, when they were 2 years old and you would just stare at them in fascination, telling yourself how cute they are, bathing them in this field of love. Maybe it’s hard for you to do that now when they’re grown and they’re pushing you away. That’s a test for you to open your heart wider.
6. Trust and have faith. See your teens for who they are – deep inside, they are eternal souls who are having this human experience – under your roof. See this as an amazing miracle. Across the galaxies of time and space, you have come together in this lifetime to have this experience. That’s at least true to me. What is your truth about the miracle of life?
7. Become students in this classroom of life. Learn to understand yourself better, understand your own defence patterns, where you hold back on your love, and how you can meet your teens with an open heart.
These are my tips for today. Choose the one which resonated with you the most and take action today or this week.