Are you worried that your teen is keeping their worries to themselves?
Listen to today’s episode or read the post below to learn about what you can do as a parent to get your teen to open up and talk to you about what’s going on in their life.
It can be very frustrating for us parents when our teens keep their worries and fears to themselves, especially if they tend to be good at hiding things, when we don’t get any alarms. We’re really afraid that if they get in trouble, they won’t tell us or ask for help – which makes things worse.
Let’s first understand the root cause of this behaviour, of this secrecy or lying.
Why would our teen even do that?
Lying or not talking is actually a defensive mechanism, it’s a defence against fear of rejection, fear of punishment, against shame.
You might want to read this previous post around how to bond with your teen where I explain defensive mechanisms in more detail.
Now, teens who keep things secret tend to be low on self compassion, because they don’t accept that making mistakes is part of life.
They feel ashamed of making mistakes.
This shame inside them is intense.
It’s painful.
To us adults, some of these mistakes might not be big, so we tend to dismiss them as no big deal. We use this language when we’re talking to our kids: “It’s no big deal”, but when we do that, we’re actually not acknowledging our teens.
Because to them, it IS a big deal. Making a mistake is a big deal. And they feel a lot of shame and guilt and self loathing and fear, and all this comes from a lack of self-compassion, and a lack of self-worth.
When their intense emotions become entangled with the thoughts in their mind, their fear can get quite strong and take over. See, the mind is so good at making up stories and escalating things.
Some teens deal with the fear and the intense emotions by projecting them back at you. They rebel and they blame you for what’s going on inside.
Others turn inwards and withdraw.
Others fall into victim mentality, convincing themselves that everyone is against them.
There’s nothing wrong with your teen if they’re any of that way. This defensiveness is a hardwiring inside us humans, needed for our survival.
Just like when you place a hand on a hot surface, you automatically bounce it off.
Secrecy can become a default reaction for your teen. And then one lie leads to another lie and it’s a downward spiral.
As a parent, you need to understand all this. You need to know your child well. You need to accept them as they are, accept their nature, accept that they’re here to learn from this human experience.
And you need to choose love and compassion.
I’m going to use the lighthouse metaphor that Author Maggie Dent uses. You as the parent are the lighthouse and your teens are out there discovering the seas. You need to always keep your light shining. You need to let them know that you’re there for them even when they seem so far away.
Here are 3 keys on what you can do to get your teen to open up and talk to you:
Key #1 – Work on your awareness.
Be present in your home. Pay attention. Be mindful of how your teen is acting. What are they saying? How does their energy feel?
You will notice if there’s something off. You know your teen well. You will notice the signs if there’s something going on. Most likely it’s going to be something subtle in their behaviour, or out of character actions or words.
Be present and aware. If you are distracted, you will miss these signs.
Key #2 – Deal with your emotions separately before you engage with your teen.
You need to stay calm, centred, patient, and respectful when you’re with them.
You need to know your triggers well. You need to accept and acknowledge that you’re triggered. But you are the adult here. You are the mature one in the relationship. So, find a calm, respectful way to communicate with your teen.
If you’re the type of person who just needs to vent first, then vent somewhere not with your teen, do it with a trusted friend or a professional who’s able to hold space for you.
(Please don’t vent with your partner unless your partner is a saint – the issue is that your partner is also parenting your teen and they are most likely to have their own attachments and triggers).
Key 3 – Focus on building strong connection with your teen.
Spend special time together. Practise active listening. Talk with them. Have those tough open talks. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t jump in and interrupt them or give them advice. And don’t shame or blame them.
Also show them unconditional love. Show your affection in ways that are comfortable to your teen, if not hugs, then find other ways, maybe leave them handwritten notes, make them their favourite food … Remember that unconditional love means giving in a detached way.
For more tips around bonding with your teen, read this previous post.
I’ll end here with saying the parent-child relationship is the most sacred relationship that can exist on this planet.
The two of you are beautiful souls in this infinite universe who came together in this lifetime to have this experience.
It is a miracle. Remember that.